"So much beauty in life ,Shining on the outside, Empty on the inside"
Ryan Cabrera - Take it all away
"Aren't you just sick of this shit? I mean I am and I haven't been here nearly as long as you." I asked. "I know it's just dead, I feel like all I do is waste time here" She said and then sighed.
It had been a long road for my mom, she had 22 brand new beautiful town homes that were priced very cheap. Unfortunately the real estate market despite a brief surge when interest rates dropped, was becoming stagnate again. I felt sorry for her, as it was going on a year now that she had been at the site on a daily basis. Beside the fact that this was a full time job itself she had also been running a printing company and another town home site as well. It was more than one person can handle, except for her who had a work ethic that could not be matched.
I guess that was what made me different than most the people I know these days. It had been this way for a long time with her as she had been working long hours for the last 20 years likely longer but that was before my time so I cannot attest to it. I guess the life I had seen her live, constantly pleasing other people and sacrificing her time made me resent hard work.
Now I don't have a problem working hard and when I am at work I try to perform my very best. But seeing someone so close to you go above and beyond on seemingly everything and seeing no real rewards from it made me re-evaluate things. It seemed the more she did the more people expected from her until she literally just did not have the hours in the day to fulfill the obligations that had been created.
I'm telling you this to explain why I feel the way I do today and why something that has been lurking in the back of my mind an idea that I have coveted and thought of day and night for nearly 8 months will be coming to fruition in the coming months. I've always believed in the idea that god would help guide me and show me the path that I was destined to follow in life. I looked for signs and took opportunities that came my way to try and figure out just what the hell I'm doing here on this planet. Well, I received a sign, I know what I am destined for, and now it has to happen.
The Turning Point
God didn't come down and whisper in my ear and I didn't run into some prophet who told me what I needed to do. Things in the real world happen more intuitively than what we see in Hollywood movies. I believe that most things worth doing aren't easy or practical. I also believe that the series of events that put my wheels in motion weren't just a coincidence.
I remember it like it was yesterday. One sad woman's face with a big piece of cardboard that read lost in life. I was at church, one of the many things I made a vow to start doing again, and our preacher Nate was showing a video. In it one sad person after another holding up a cardboard sign stating what they felt like inside, For example, Depressed, lonely, I don't fit in. The point of the video was that they would inevitably find strength in God and the Church and flip over a new happier card.
It looks like this big guy is depressed about his routine as well.
However I think back to that video often and wonder what my card would read. I found myself associating with the first group of cards. Granted this was in one of the hardest stretches of my life I'd seen, I remembered that even when my personal and financial life was going well, there was still a longing for something more.
The List
I don't know what it was that made me write the list, maybe getting older and thinking about all that I had wanted to accomplish. Maybe it was the fact that so many things in my life that had seemed so certain had recently changed. Whatever it was, it was something that may have changed my life forever. They say that writing down you goals increases the probability of them happening and I would have to agree. Since I made my "25 things to do before I turn 25" list on this blog, I have felt like my life now has a plan and a purpose. At the time it may have just been to get me through to the next day and take my mind off my struggles. However it is now becoming a guide for me and helping me see that I had been following other peoples plans and not my own.
In a sense I had been pleasing everyone else's wishes just like my mother had her whole life. The list became a way to escape and do things that I wanted to do. A chance to make my own rules and forge my own path. That longing had existed inside of me since the day I was born. A longing for adventure and travel into the unknown. The time to realize my path and take charge is now and that is what I am going to do.
Livin' La Vida Loca
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain
Airfare came in at $781.00 the lowest I'd seen ever. A room to rent in a nice part of the city? From $190 PER MONTH! Gotta love that exchange rate. It was on and I knew it. Number 21 on my list of things to accomplish in the next 2 years was to take a mini retirement to Buenos Aires, Argentina. It is something I've thought about for a long time yet one of the least likely things that I was attempting to do. However today, I made the decision that I am leaving for Buenos Aires in October. How I'll save enough money, how I'll work everything out? I don't know. But I will make it happen.
I couldn't think of a better time to leave then now. I feel lost at home, the pain of a hard break up and some tough times still fresh in my mind. I'm seeking happiness and knowing that there is something missing in my life. Fighting my own mind with what my next step should be. And more than anything else, I have a longing for the road.
Am I running away from my problems? I don't know, I wouldn't say that. While most people think that I just want to run away and I will find new problems to replace old ones when I arrive, that is not what I even am thinking about. I want to see a new place, a new country and a new culture. I want to reinvent myself and make new friends around the world. I have an itch to leave this damn city and until I scratch it I know that I cannot truly be happy. Call it fate, a mistake, call it a immature kid running from his issues, or call it a trip of a lifetime. I don't care what anyone else thinks my motives are. My motive in my mind is clear. To find happiness in a beautiful city where my money goes further, I can stay out later and I can meet some beautiful Argentine girls. I think I'm going to enjoy my new problems!
I see myself becoming a huge soccer fan, not sure why...
